Entry 16: Love and Hurt

Am I really capable of loving other people? I am always trying hard to show my love and concern but I always end up hurting them. It makes me think that I am very selfish.

Totoo naman kasi. Dati nung sinulatan ko si Kim, nasaktan ko sya nung medyo nag away kami at bigla kaming pumunta ng bagyo. She cried a lot. She thought that I hated her but its not.
Si MJ ng YFC AdU, nasaktan ko din siya sa sulat ko sa kanya na humihingi ako ng pasensya sa lahat ng misunderstandings namin.
Si Jean na bff ko nung college, ganun din.
Tapos ngayon, si Superman.

Hai… when will I ever learn? Can I just love them without hurting them?

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Entry 15: True Love

I am not saying that our love wasn’t true. I am not saying that we are not true. Sabi mo dati hindi ka naniniwala sa true love kasi kung may true love dapat may false love din diba.

I just feel that I am not really for you. I know deep in my heart that there is only one in your heart. And she carried your two precious children. Nothing compares to that. I also feel that this love, a true love, is just temporary… Our feelings are true. Maybe you felt it now, your overwhelming love, care and concern for me because I’ve open up to you and you know how fragile I am. You somehow felt the need to accompany me, teach me, make me strong, and be with me with this journey. Parang nahanap mo ang bunsong kapatid mo sa akin. But more special than that, but less than to forever love.

I know hindi rin ako mawawala sa isip at puso mo kasi alam ko dumaan din ako sa buhay mo. I’ve shown you the true me. And I never regret us. I never regret that I gave myself to you.

All I know is that one day, marerealize mo pakonti konti na nawawala na yung love mo sa akin. Na mahihiya ka na sakin. Na parang iiwas ka na. Na ayaw mo na akong kasama. Na mararamdaman mo na hanggang little sister or nephew or daughter lang pala.

I know because kahit magkausap tayo at bigla siyang tumawag, mas kakausapin mo siya. Mas importante talaga sila. Mas priority sila. Nasa number 1 sila… hindi ako galit or tampo o kahit ano pa. Alam ko naman ang sitwasyon eh. Alam natin pareho…

I am happy that we happen. I am happy because at some point in my life, kahit na illegitimate, someone made me feel that I am worth loving for. Na may tao pala na pahahalagaan ako.
Hindi ako nagsasabi ng tapos, pero right now hindi na ako naghahanap ng iba. Hindi ko iniisip kung magkakaseryoso ba ako, kung ikakasal din ba ako, kung magkakaanak din ba ako.

Tama na na dumating ka. That’s enough for me. Wala na akong ihihiling pa sa sarili ko.
Maybe I’m bound to take care of my family, parents, siblings. Maybe I’m bound to be single… if that is what is written for me, so be it.

You will be forever in my heart.

Entry 14: Independent

Mukhang kaya niya naman na wala ako… Nakakatulog na siya ng maayos, hindi na niya kailangan ng mga pampatulog.
Madalang na lang siya uminom. Di ko alam kung compliment ba yon dahil ako ang may dahilan nun o hindi kasi marunong na siyang tumanggi sa inuman.
He can do the usual things he used to do. Madalas nasa labas pa rin naman siya pero ganun na talaga siya.
May isa pa din akong hiling… Ay marami pala.
1. Sana lagi siyang masaya, maayos, ligtas, masigla, walang sakit.
2. Sana matupad yung mga hiling niya, maging emt at magturo, makarating sa America at makasama ang mag-ina niya, magkaroon ng magandang buhay ang pamilya niya at laging nasa ayos.
3. Lumaking matapat, magalang, mabait, maaalalahanin, matalino, palakaibigan, matapang at malakas ang loob ang mga anak niya.
4. Sana makalimutan na din niya ang feelings niya sa akin.

Entry 13: Suppressed

I am suppressed to express. I am more expressive in words written than words spoken. I am a type of a woman who limits her self expression, being brought up to be silent. And somehow, this man is forcing me to speak my mind not because he wants to but because I need to but be cautious to the words I say so that I could give meaning

Entry 12: Demanding

I feel na masyado akong demanding sa time niya. Although sa gabi na nga lang kami pwede mag-usap… madalas ako pa nagyayaya sa kanya na lumabas. Ang gastos ko para sa kaniya, demanding pa…
Lagi kong sinasabi sa isip ko na hindi na ako magdedemand, hihintayin ko na siya ang.unang.mag approach.
Alam ko naman na mahal niya ako,.pero alam ko din na pangalawa ako.
Balang araw, maiirita.din.siya sa akin. Sigurado yan.

Entry 10: Social Skills

I always that I converse better in writing than orally because I was raised to just be quiet most of the time. When I try to say something to my mom, she always tell me thay she is busy and have no time to listen to me. So I always have this thinking not to tell anyone anything because no one is listening to me anyway.
He also did that. I’m trying my best to comfort him, I’m not yet done talking then all of a sudden he talks about something else.
Kaya ako ng magsalita, ayoko magkwento, ayoko ng pinapadescribe ako. I don’t want to talk. I’ll just keep quiet.

I know I shouldn’t be like that but I can’t help it.